Written by Shanna Kirkpatrick, Chara Founder
10.15.2024
Anxiety in Parenting
Sunshine, swimming, and a lot of Sno Beach! My family’s summer probably looked much like your family’s did. And like many families, we loaded up on the popcorn and enjoyed Inside Out 2 at the movie theater.
Inside Out 2 introduces us to 13 year old Riley’s new emotion, “Anxiety”. Serving 200 teens at Chara Christian Dance Academy, having one teen and one tween boy as well as a daughter who is not far behind, I was looking forward to the insights Inside Out 2 might provide me into Chara’s work in youth development as well as my own parenting.
As I sat in the theater, however, I began to see just as much of myself and the anxious tendencies of our current parenting culture through the film as I did America’s children. Through Riley’s experience I saw our own fear as parents that can kick in when our kids experience social disappointment, the pressure to reach high academic or extracurricular goals, and the anxiety you and I experience when we see potential pain approaching them.
Sitting in that theater, I recognized two ways that anxiety can creep into our high achieving parenting culture and how we can better manage it.
From the beginning, Riley’s anxiety compels her to act in a way that is contrary to her character and previous habits. She previously valued honesty…now she finds herself lying and stealing to make the hockey team. She previously valued her friends…now she finds herself devaluing them in order to be a part of a new and powerful social group.
Like Riley, as parents we sometimes find ourselves compromising on previously held personal or family core values in our desire to help our child make the team, be a part of “the group”, or keep up with expectations. When we fear our children missing out on “the best”, we can allow anxiety to creep into our homes and inform our parenting and, in doing so, risk losing the very things we all want our children to possess: a strong sense of self and unshakable principles.
Riley’s story gets more complicated: “Anxiety” eventually works herself into a literal storm as Riley is constantly strategizing her next chess move. Her mind is always racing as one plan after another fails to achieve her desired outcome. You and I are susceptible to this trap as parents as well. With elevated heart rate, we can begin to strategize contingency plan after contingency plan in order to reach the desired outcome for our children. We might pour money into a situation in efforts to solve it, thinking that just one more private lesson, one more SAT prep course, one more tutor, one more touchpoint with the coach will be the golden key to success. Like Riley ruled by “Anxiety”, we can end up exhausted in our efforts to artificially engineer a smooth overpass for our children above a highway of roadblocks, and potentially rob them of valuable life experiences.
Parents do these things because we love our kids and want what is best for them. Our intentions are good! I can only recognize these anxious tendencies in our parenting because I am right there in the trenches with you.
So what do we do about it? The key as adults is for us to first recognize when we are making decisions out of anxiety. Just like one should never go to the grocery store hungry, we should never let an emotional reaction be the only thing that determines a decision or plan. Easier said than done, I know! Parenting is emotional by default.
In addition to checking ourselves for decisions being made in the blinding whirlwind of anxiety, we should also measure decisions and plans for our children against our family’s core values. Did we say on January 1 that going to church as a family was important? Then why are we saying it is not as important on October 1st? Priorities are not priorities if they change depending on the circumstance or feelings. While all families might not have the same values, and not all situations are black and white, we model for our children articulating values and sticking to them even when we experience the anxiety of parenting FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out).
Above all, you and I would be wise to give ourselves and our fellow parents grace on this difficult journey called parenting. By the end of Inside Out 2, because of the fallout from Riley’s anxious decision making, her core belief of “I’m a good person” is shattered. As parents we will also inevitably fall short of our core belief of “I’m a good parent”. We must seek to replace the fragile narrative of being a good parent with the core belief that “I am a parent in need of Jesus”. His grace covers all of our anxious parenting moments and His mercies are new every morning, especially in our roles as moms and dads.
“The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord determines his steps.” Proverbs 16:9
